| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|11:18 pm] |
| [ | My Emotion |
| |  anxious | ] |
I haven't had this much anxiety in 3+ years.
Now I can remember how it feels.
I really don't like this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2009|07:32 pm] |
ha. i saw a study on cnn the other day while I was at the gym. it said women are found to be more depressed and LESS happy than men are.
NO SHIT! |
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| Erin |
[Aug. 26th, 2009|01:40 am] |
So there's this girl Erin who was my first girlfriend in high school, although I met her at Anacapa. I wrote about her on here back in like March.
Well after 7 long years of not seeing her or even talking with her, I finally saw her on Sunday. All I could say when I was with her was how weird it was lol. A good weird, just surreal.
So anyways I took her out to dinner at macaroni grill. then we were gonna go see a movie but i changed my mind.
We went back to my house and kinda watched ladybugs and just talked. mitchell was over for a bit.
then we drank wine, walked to the store and got more wine and cheetos lolol.
We came back and shared some spanish rice and watched "martyr's", one of the most crazy scary movies out there, - (she doesn't like scary movies).
Then after that we just had a fun night with some kissing and whatever. She spent the night and I kept waking her up by kissing her lol. then I had to get up at 6 am and take her home, but I got donuts after I dropped her off so it was all good <3
Anyways so I missed her the 7 years we didn't speak and after seeing her I hope it's not another 7 year break. She was the first girlfriend who was actually special to me. It's so crazy to see her. We're both different but both the same in many ways. So Sunday was a good day, it really was :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|04:40 am] |
| [ | Sound |
| | brandy - have you ever? | ] |
I think I've just finally decided when I'm going to say goodbye to someone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|10:42 am] |
A girl I've wanted to talk to for a long time actually contacted me. Unexpected.
I had an interview yesterday but I dont care to take the job. Also my phone is not working because I have not paid it. I really don't even care to have a cell phone but I need it for getting a job. Damn. haha.
Another dream of her. Kazzy... leave my dreams alone!@#!@ lolz
When I was younger I did not know how to be.
I lived my own lie and I never asked the questions why.
I always talked and dressed like everyone 'round me.
Where were my own view and my own thoughts?
I don't have a clue.
Insecurity, no confidence that was my style.
I did some false things,
you'd say I was playing the wrong strings.
To realize and see how lost I was, it took a while.
But it was worth it
'cause now I'm much more confident and fit.
I'm not going down the highway,
'cause I had the might to stop
and turn around before it was too late.
Instead I'm slowly going my way
and if I don't reach the top,
I still got loads here I appreciate.
Just because I'm older now
does not mean I'm complete.
Yeah, I still have got fear,
it's not as strong but it's still here.
And I'm confused at times,
but now I know where to put my feet.
Right in my own trail,
the only place if i dont want to fail. |
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| Simi Valley |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|12:48 am] |
| [ | Sound |
| | Soldout - For Your Next Girlfriend | ] |
Wow, this is like the old days really. Ali, Denis and I have been hanging out since Friday night.
This really is the best time of the year for me.
Today I ate: burrito, pancakes, mexican candy, a smoothie, french toast, soda... and denis' soup that is the best.
I've been playin games all day, staying up wayyy late and watchin south park. I love this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2009|02:15 am] |
I've never ever been a violent person but I am always interested in the lives of murderers. I like mysterious stuff, unsolved mysteries type things. |
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| Monday, Chuck's funeral. |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|11:15 am] |
So Monday was Chuck's funeral. It was a sad day. Honestly I had a hard time wanting to go because I was lazy. That's really sad, but true.
But I wanted to go to see Christian, Drew & Marina.
It ended up being one of the best days of my life. I got to see my uncle john, cousins, and a lot of friends.
Little Chris, wow I didnt even really say hi to him but I forgot about that guy.
Wes, I miss him! I haven't seen him in so long.
I spent a lot of the day hanging out with Alex & Drew and Alex's friends at the restaurant Chris works at. It was really fun, but I was there for too long.
Denis & Ali. Two of my bestest friends really. I wish I could see them everyday. They are my true friends. We're all into the same things and have very similar personalities and hobbies. I spent the night at Denis' house. Him and Ali are very talented with Art, it's very impressive.
We got pizza at little ceasers, like old times. Listened to alot of music ( final fantasy) . I helped fix his speakers. It was just a great day.
----
On another note. I had yet another dream of her last night. Grrrr...
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I'm probably gonna buy a basketball today, Kaleb and I are gonna go to Oxnard. I've just applying for jobs this morning, then heading to the gym :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|03:43 am] |
There just comes a time in my life where just living for myself isn't enough. |
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| And it feels like me... on a good day. |
[Jul. 28th, 2009|03:53 pm] |
I don't think listening to a song has really brought me to tears until today.
Little bit lost and...
A little bit lonely
Little bit cold here
A little bit feared
But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can
Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am
Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day
And it feels like me
On a good day
I'm a little bit hemmed in
A little bit isolated
A little bit hopeful
A little bit cold
But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can
Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am
Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter...
And it feels like me
On a good day
Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels lïke me
On a good day |
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| Kobe |
[Jul. 23rd, 2009|07:37 pm] |
№8 (1996-97, 18 to 2005-06, 27)
4x All-NBA First Team, 4x All-Defense First Team
1x NBA Scoring Champion
2x All-NBA Second Team
2x All-NBA Third Team
2x All-Defense Second Team
8x All-Star, 2x All-Star MVP, 3x World Champion
№24 (2006-07, 28 to -present)
3x All-NBA First Team, 1x MVP, 3x All-Defense First Team
1x NBA Scoring Champion
3x All-Star, 1x All-Star MVP, 1x World Champion, 1x Finals MVP |
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| god. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|10:03 am] |
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another fucking dream of her. seriously this is getting old. |
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| Charles Torrence |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|04:00 am] |
A Simi Valley man died early today, about 12 hours after police subdued him following an alleged domestic violence incident, authorities said.
Charles Anthony Torrence, 36, died about 5:45 a.m. today at Simi Valley Hospital, according to a written statement issued by the Simi Valley Police Department.
Three police officers also were injured and were treated at local hospitals.
About 11:43 a.m. Friday, police went to the 2200 block of Parker Court in Simi Valley after someone reported a case of domestic violence there.
The first officer on the scene saw a violent confrontation occurring in the street, stepped in and persuaded Torrence to cease his aggressive behavior, according to authorities. But soon Torrence began to resist and ran away, chased by the officer as more officers arrived.
“Following the brief foot pursuit, the officers attempted to restrain the suspect utilizing a number of tactics including one officer who attempted to deploy a Taser, but it is unclear if the Taser made contact with the suspect,” the police department said in its written statement. “The suspect continued to violently resist the officers’ efforts to take him into custody.”
Police eventually were able to handcuff him. Shortly after that, “the suspect began experiencing medical distress,” the statement added.
Fire Department and ambulance personnel gave him medical aid, and he was taken to the hospital.
The Ventura County Medical Examiner-Coroner’s Office was conducting an autopsy, a representative said today. The cause of death won’t be announced until toxicology test results are available, which will be in several weeks, the representative said.
The Coroner’s Office has assumed responsibility for the death investigation. The Simi Valley Police Department’s detective unit is investigating the criminal case involving the suspect, officials said.
One resident of the street said the incident apparently started with a dispute between Torrence and his girlfriend, and then Torrence and a neighbor allegedly had a confrontation.
Torrence worked as a network engineer. |
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| “I’m Not A Hero” |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|01:44 am] |
“I’m Not A Hero”
Andrew Martinez
Courtesy of:
“When you do not have anyone to live for, there is nothing to live for.”
Before I go into this long piece of writing, I just want to talk about the last 24 hours. My uncle, Charles (Chuck) Torrence has died. He was physically injured and knocked into a coma by Simi Valley police around noon of July 17th. He was declared deceased early in the mourning hours today. I was at the hospital with family and spent the night at my step dad Chris’ house after. Everything at this point is very unclear on what happened but apparently there was a dispute between him and their neighbor –who is very weird and has always bothered us. The cops were called. Chuck ended up being tased multiple times and who knows what else they did to him. They knocked unconscious. He never woke up. Chuck was someone I think who really just enjoyed life. He and I shared a very common interest in music and he was actually the person who first introduced me to Final Fantasy. He DJ’d clubs and it was always fun being around him when I used to visit Simi frequently in high school. I’m gonna miss him.
I. Intro
I have been working on this writing since the beginning of this year. It will include my past years experiences and where I am at this point in life. Honestly I’m just finishing this up a few days before posting it, so it’s very rushed and unorganized. It is not going to be what I wanted it to be but oh well. Also, I am posting this on this day because it’s a special day for me. First it’s the 18th, which is sentimental to me. I lost my virginity on this day, it’s someone’s special birthday. And noww it is marked with the death of a family member.
First of all, I am very outspoken. I always say how it is. I write so much about myself out in the open because I do not have anyone to express myself to. I have so much going on inside my brain and throughout my heart that I feel the need to write consistently out in the open about it. I observe everything I see. I observe a lot. I also just truly want to document all my feelings for others to view. It’s just like a journal, an entry of my life.
The title, “I’m Not A Hero” is something I took from a film. A very popular film actually, The Dark Knight. I think it’s a sufficient title to describe where my life is heading and what it is becoming. I think just a year ago I really wanted to finish school and live the traditional married life. Be “successful.” But then what is successful? When you think of success, most people just think money. My opinion of success has recently changed. Money is as not as important to me as before and I’ve learned that what I think are little things are what make me happy. And lately, I do not care to impress anyone, especially women. I’m not here to go through school to get a good job to impress a women based on my salary. That is not who I am and I despise certain aspects of that life. Now obviously this is just how I’ve felt lately and could easily change as life changes.
II. Past
Most the time when I am thinking, I am thinking of my past. Or it’s that I’m listening to music that brings me those memories of the past. I am so obsessed with it because that is where all my “happy” memories are. Look, I know the mind makes the childhood memories better than they really were. But I loved everything about school, friends and relationships. I’m just always looking behind in life because I do not feel there is much in the future for me. And I accept that type of future. I know I’m still kind of young but I feel I have already lived enough. I have already experienced everything I want to except having children. Right now I just don’t see kids happening. With that in mind I’ve chose to life a simple, meaningless, stalemate life. I don’t care about anything, and anything includes work, school, money, friends, family… everything. It’s just my attitude. The words “I don’t care” are very common to me. Anyways, I couldn’t be more proud and satisfied with my past. Life will never seem to match those memories and I am okay if it never does.
III. Present
[Hobbies]
I have been working for a few months on my new website. http://www.vesperydia.com
It’s just a simple site that shares my favorite tracks and music tastes. I update it week by week but I haven’t done a major update in a while. It’s just something that I’ve always wanted to do. So I guess that’s a positive.
I love basketball and competitive sports. I know when it comes down to it; sports are meaningless in a lot of ways. Playing around with a ball doesn’t mean shit… but it does to me. There is so much pride and joy in athletics that you cannot get with other things. Maybe it’s meaningless pride but it brings me happiness even though I acknowledge how simple it is. I realized how pointless and simple sports were when a relationship ended. I realize that love can really overtake anything I care for. I think sports can become a toxic addiction whether you’re in a relationship or not.
[Music]
I think my most favorite thing is to be with someone I love and listen to music. Just being alone late at night being in my bed listening to my iPod, I feel safe and alive. It’s really what makes me the most happy and right now that’s probably my favorite part of each day. I love driving with the windows down and blasting music. That is the best, especially on a cold day. I recently actually got to experience just laying down and sharing music with someone, it was probably my favorite memory of this entire year. I haven’t done that with someone in quite some time. – Also regarding music, I wish I could take back some of the music I’ve given certain people. There have been 2 people that I’ve given some of the best tracks I know of to. And those two people don’t really mean anything to me. Also there have been times where girls have been over and they wanted me to put on music, but I couldn’t. Because the music I would put on would be too emotionally powerful for just a hook up.
[Video Games]
Since November I have been playing a lot of video games. There was a time where I barely was playing any games, but I’m happy to once again be addicted. I’ve been playing Resident Evil 5; I have clocked over 370 hours and am rated online as one of the best in the world. For example on one level I’m rated 150 / 600,000 people. It’s very fun because I get to play with others around the world and voice chat. I frequently play with a girl from Australia, another from Ohio, and a guy from Sweden. I’ve met a lot of cool people online. I actually just got done playing. Here’s a link to a video of what I actually play.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uARiQwX1j0
[Work & Finances] Boo.
Not having a job I like has taught me that I do not have to have a lot of money to have a happy life. I was previously obsessed with making money and now that I have less money, it doesn’t bother me like I thought it would.
Since writing this I was actually fired from my job. It happened on 05/21/09. I was hurt for a couple days, but I’m so relieved to not be there anymore. I had a lot of friends there and there were a lot of cute girls there I knew; but whatever, that doesn’t matter much to me. I am not a person who is dependent on socializing. I’m so fucking happy I never have to see or smell my old manager. She’s a fucking nasty ass bitch that always needs attention and always being a bitch. I would never look at her or acknowledge her. I hate her and she knew it. Everyone there hates her. Oh My God. I had to sit next to her this whole year and it was a living hell. I seriously thought she messed with my things and fucked with my food. I never ever ever have to see her again and that alone makes getting fired a fair deal. She made me so angry it made me want to inflict physical pain onto her. I would never do that, but she really set me up to fail there. Pretty much I was fired because I neglected work. She gave me more work than others, without any additional pay, and she knew I wouldn’t do it, so that led me to being fired.
Also this brings up something very important about me. My attitude. I have a very poor attitude a lot of the time. I’d rather screw myself over than suck up to anyone. I let her get to me. That is a weakness. My attitude is what sets me apart from others in a lot of ways. It’s a big negative sometimes.
I’ve been looking for jobs since then. I was supposed to go to an interview today. I actually woke up early and everything, but decided the job was something I really didn’t want to do. It was marketing and advertising. I want to work with kids, or people… I don’t really want to be in an office. And honestly I’m excited to be in a new position. It’s a new opportunity. My bills are crazy overdue and I really don’t care. I am about to lose my car. I care but honestly I’m not worried. It’s just a fucking car, big deal. Things that were important to me then, are not so much anymore.
One last thing which is work related and led me to cut my hair in April. I had a job interview for a job I needed and desperately wanted to get. Well the interview didn’t go as well and after I knew I wasn’t going to get it. I guess I just wanted to do something fun, something exciting. I had wanted to cut my hair but I just never did it. So on the way home from the interview I decided to cut it. It was totally spontaneous. I first wanted to cut my hair sometime in November or December Now I regret it so much. I can’t wait till it grows back. I haven’t even cut my hair since I got it cut.
[Family Background]
My father recently had a discussion with me. He admitted he had been drinking. He went onto explain that my stepmothers family is my family and that they are “upper class” or that we married into a good family. I want to set this straight. That is not my family. I have nothing against them at all, and I’m talking like aunts and cousins, NOT my sisters Katie & Kelly, I love them and I consider them my family. I know my roots; I know my family history. I come from a family of alcoholics and drug abusers. I come from a family that has always come up short and not one person has graduated from college. I respect my father very much. It was nice of him to speak to me, but not when he was drinking. I know it is very difficult for him to approach me. However when I speak to someone, I know how to speak directly. I am very confident in myself. I know how to speak and what to speak. I know how to motivate; I know exactly what to say. I wanted to be a leader within this family, but that is not who I am. I even told this to my father, “I will lead in other ways.” He tells me God will bless me but I’m really not interested in that. I’m not changing… actually I can’t change who I am, and I don’t want to. I’m very proud of my father, he is a great person, and he’s a leader. He’s want I wanted to be, but I am different, much different and I want to be better. I will be. I just don’t think it’s my opportunity or time yet.
I also come from a very proud family. My mother’s side, the McKinney’s, are some of the best athletes. Literally we have a about 10 people who can run marathons. We excel in baseball, soccer and running. My cousins are all very smart and have been to college. I admire then and look up to them so much: Chelsea, Michael and Brian.
My father’s side is great too. I love our family background from Gwam. I love our cousins like Peter, Brianna & Camille. I always love seeing them and just being around them. They are some of the best people in the world. Although we didn’t do it this year, camping for 4th of the July is my favorite vacation.
[Women, relationships & $ex]
I am a slut and I love and hate myself for it. No but really, sex will cut you. I think God intended it to be within a life-long committed relationship because of how much you truly to open yourself to someone. I could be with someone I do not even like, but having sex with them still would open my heart where I could feel some type of emotion towards them. Sex is a gift, a curse, a double edged sword, it’s sweet, it’s celestial, it’s evil, it’s forbidden, and it’s unstable. I struggle with it emotionally and mentally a lot.
I think I have given PART myself to people who don’t deserve me at all. There has been something I have been thinking about including in this writing… and I have decided I will share it. I paid for sex once. It was last year in Las Vegas. It’s just a prime example of me not caring anymore. And not caring what people think or what I do may hurt my appearance, or affect my relationship or FUTURE relationship with other specific people. I mean I know that the majority of people would look down on that. Morally I guess I think it’s wrong. The morning after I felt like shit. I felt so anxious and thought why I did it. But since then I’ve really just accepted it. Did I have fun and enjoy it? Yes. She was my age, very fun and attractive. I don’t think I’d ever do it again because I have never thought seriously of doing that. It was just the spur of the moment out of nowhere decision. If you know me, you can see I have just changed a lot, obviously. I guess that’s me huh? People can say it’s immoral and people can say it’s just paying for entertainment… I’m in the middle of those two views. Obviously love is not sex, and sex is not love for me anymore. (Take that bitch.) Really I've just have had a lot of built up emotions these past few years and with this, I just really let go. But really, I’ve just become a hedonist without a care in the world.
Anxiety within a relationship I believe are truly life’s defining moments. Looking back on relationships, the most stressful and difficult times were always the best. Pain just makes you feel alive. I enjoy the struggle... well at least after I am through it all. When you’re always happy, life is dull. It gives you true growth. Love > Sex.
Why are women always so insecure? They are insecure on dates, during sex, before and after. They are very hesitant. I know our culture puts a lot of pressure on women to be, act and look a certain way; it’s bullshit. I admit I have even treated women like a lot of guys do. I always looked down on guys who just spoke to women to get sex… and it’s like I’ve become that over the course of a very small amount of time. And I’m not saying all girls are insecure, but a lot of them are. Also I am completely against girls who look for money in guys. I completely avoid any type of relationship with them. Sex? Whatever, fine, that’s great. It is so disgusting to be around girls like this.
I’m not completely satisfied with any of the girlfriends I’ve had or how those relationships went. I don’t think I’d want to be with any of them again. I want someone with a similar support structure as myself. Someone I can teach to and learn from. I need someone who can really take care of my emotions… someone who is just aware and emotionally educated. I don’t care if she likes sports or not, I probably actually prefer her to not like sports or be an athlete. Someone to similar to me is uninteresting.
Another thing which relates to relationships and work is that I never push for a change. I think in a couple relationships I’ve been so unhappy but I just couldn’t end it. I was weak and needed them or the love that person gave me. Even though I knew the best thing to do would have been to end it. Instead I just stayed in the relationship until the other person ended it. It hurt me although I learned and grew as a person because of it, losing someone I love is the worst because there are very few people I care for. With working, I hated my job, but I didn’t push myself to get in a better situation, so I ended up getting fired. Similar situations I have come to see.
Although I did meet a couple cool girls this year, nothing has worked out. They have had boyfriends or just not my type of girls. This is random but I think in a few years I might ask someone to have a child with me if her and I aren’t married. Haha. She’d say no. She’s NOT one of my ex girlfriends either. On second thought I’m not sure if I’d want to have a kid with her. Haha. I also just want to say something to Lizzy and Staysee. Both of you are special in your own way and I am lucky to have met you. You girls always made me smile.
[Observations]
I hate pop culture. I can’t stand all those TV shows and magazines about celebrities. I can’t stand the radio because most of the music on there is shit. I can barely even listen to hip hop or rap anymore. It just isn’t me. This country is a rap loving country! Disgusting.
[Self Evaluation]
Honestly, I am probably one of the most conceited and confident people out there. I am just very quiet about it. Also, I am very humble and I know that there will always be someone better than me. Better looking, smarter, taller, or a better athlete. I am always looking to learn and improve. I do not think I know everything. I just think that I just have been blessed in so many areas like athletic ability, appearance, my mind, my heart, my surroundings, my possessions, my skills. Personally I believe I can easily do anything I put my mind to. I would not wish to have been born anyone else, nor am I jealous of others. I feel I have so many skills in so many different areas. I know I am a smart person and I feel like I have so much to offer others people. I can see how people enjoy my presence and how people look at me. I guess maybe I never realized these things till now. But I know I am not perfect. I have many faults. Even sometimes in my head it feels like the world really does revolve around me. I think because of losing my mother and some other people early in life really hardened, AND softened my heart. I unconsciously had to tell myself I was better than others to avoid the pain of abandonment. I think that type of mindset has just always stayed with me. I have become very mentally and physically tough because of my experiences. But I struggle with something a lot. I feel like every day I am wasting away or that I don’t have the strength to use these gifts, or that life will pass me by without others knowing who I really am deep down inside. This really hurts me.
Also, I know I have an issue with always looking at things with a “better or worse” view. Nothing is better or worse, but just different. But then again, I think I am better than some people. Some people out there are crazy fucking lunatics, so yeah. Anyways…
IV. Future
I need to be somewhere where I am loved. For a while I always wanted to just live at home. But actually I’ve recently had a change in heart over this. I do want to move out, but only if it is with a good trusted friend, or a woman. I think I do need space from my Dad and family.
I’ve also been working out a lot. I really want to be in great shape for basketball, soccer, running and just for myself. Like most people I am not satisfied with my appearance. I love working out and lifting weights, it just makes me feel good. I want to look good too. Duh.
Regarding death, I think of death being an honorable part in life. I wouldn’t mind passing at an earlier age. I would never take my own life, but I just wish at a certain point I could leave this world. Here's a song I would like to be played at my funeral. I’ve been listening to it so much over the past year.
Bel Canto – Waiting Well
[You Are My Heart]
Right now there are a two people in my life that are consistently on my mind and in my heart. I’m waiting on them in different ways. I love them and hate them at the same time. I know hate is a strong word but that is the emotion I feel. I am hurt by them. I have given up on them but I still care. It hurts but I have to move on. Well I can’t move on. I think you both know who you are. I just want you to know that deep down there is so much love for you both within me. I love you as much as anyone could love another person. With one of you I feel foolish by loving you. How sad is that. It’s because I do not feel love back from you. I try to not expect anything from you but I still want it. The other… well you just need to get your life together. It hurts because I find myself preparing for your death. You know me more than anyone, and I know you the same. Both of you were my best and closest friends at one point. And I lost both of you. Look at me now, I am no one without you and life means nothing to me with neither of you in my life. I will keep living my dull life but one of you better come back to me. Until then I’ll keep hoping. Farewell and goodnight.
Who knows, my mindset could completely change in a year or after I get a new job, or meet some girl. But for now I’ll be in my room listening to music, going to the gym, sleeping with women. Until something happens to motivate me, some things may never change. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|09:59 pm] |
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I had a dream last night that i was about to be a father, very exciting and crazy. |
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| Test My Best |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|01:06 am] |
Just test my best
And find out if you like it
And the rest is dependant on you
Come close to me
And when we are united
You will see - it's all so true
Just test my best
And find out I'm not faking
Don't take less
When you can get it all
Just hold me tight
What you're giving I'm taking
Baby stay with me tonight
It's alright - test me baby |
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| Michael's wedding |
[Jun. 7th, 2009|11:12 pm] |
I went to my cousins wedding today. I think getting married is a thing of great pride and joy. I doubt I'll ever get that far in life.
I loved being there though.
And I hate/love liking girls. I don't want to like anyone.
You know... i actually really really want to have someone to love, but the fear of losing that person overcomes anything. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2009|11:42 pm] |
today was probably the most boring day ive had in a long time. i guess after you've had a really fun couple a days, things can get dull.
so that girl spent the night on what friday night? yes. we had pizza and just listened to music all night... it was actually really good. |
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| Ha. |
[May. 28th, 2009|10:53 pm] |
| [ | Sound |
| | Cosmic Gate ft. Aruna - Under Your Spell | ] |
So I've seen that DESIRE girl a few times now it's been fun. She was over tonight and yesterday.
Isn't it a bit crazy I had a dream of my ex girlfriend KILLING my pets and my sisters? I don't know when these are EVER gonna stop. I had it not last night but the night before.
My cousin mike is having a wedding this sunday :) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2009|01:17 am] |
Memorial day umm letdown? That's just the way life is but I think that's why I've strayed away from relationships for so long. I mean even though I have not found anyone worthy... still. Tonight does remind me of a certain anxiety and pain i've experienced before.
I'm just done with relationships, that's just how it has to be.
Im gonna go watch haggard. it's my official anti - relationship / hag / depressed / fun / default movie. |
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andrewevenstar's journal