| Tale of an Epic Era |
[Nov. 30th, 2008|03:30 am] |
| [ | Sound |
| | Bel Canto - Mornixuur | ] |
“Tale of an Epic Era” by Andrew J. Evenstar
Peace instead of War, Love instead of Hate.
I. Intro
I have planned to write this entry for since about July or August and I have been in the process of writing it for a couple months now. This year has been a struggle, but a good test. It has been a ery different year for the most part. I am disappointed that I can never express myself on papers as well as I can in my mind. One thing is, is that when I write I do not like to hold anything back. I am honest with my feelings no matter how others may view me. I do not worry who is going to read it. I enjoy writing to the public or to an audience and I want people to know how I think and feel. Being honest with myself is important and exposing myself to the public for some reason seems like the right thing to do because I am a very secretive and hidden person for the most part. I feel that putting this information out there helps motivate me to change. Also I think it could help others.
Most of the intent of this writing was based on my anger towards girls (women). I do not feel mature or old enough to call them women, but its feels too childish to call them girls. Anyways I know most of my issues and attitudes are not necessarily with them but with me (The struggle within), however I am going to write about how things have affected me recently. **Disclaimer**I know I have issues, I consider myself very bipolar at times… I know the battle lies within me, not them and that my mind is a multitude of puzzles that takes much patience and time to comprehend. I also think everyone can be bipolar. Bi-polar in my opinion is just a fancy way of describing the attitudes, patterns and traits of someone dealing with unresolved personal character issues.
II. Women
My recent issues with anger stem from my last relationship. I hate talking about it, but it is always on my mind. Anyone who knows me well knows this story. But the summary of it was that I was trapped in a situation where I was mentally paralyzed in a way. Not by her, but by myself. However I did blame her for the majority of it. I know I just have a different mentality with dealing with issues. With this situation I felt so hopeless after trying for so long trying to make things work. After that completely failed time after time I ended up having to completely get her out of my life. I wanted to be physically, mentally and emotionally so angry that it would get me out of that desperate state. Well I got what I wished for. The anger grew and grew, and it really changed me. I do not know what to do with this situation with her. I think about never speaking to her again, but is this truly what I want? No. Keeping a permanent silence with her would hurt me. I think mostly keeping that space would be to hurt her intentionally and to also protect myself from the unknown. In September I started to write her a letter, but I never sent it. I cannot decide on what to do. I am too indecisive with this situation. I may just write her and tell her that it is up to her now how our relationship in the future will be. Anyways I did not plan to write about her but as always, she is always there in my mind.
To Her: I did recently speak to you a few days ago and I do not know if it hurt or helped. I think it did both, but I still have no idea on what to do. I will try to contact you in the future but I do not know when.
Ok so there have been other situations with girls. Here is something I wrote a month or two ago on my livejournal:
-Fuck girls who just disappear when they have boyfriends. For example I really tried to stay good friends with a girl who had a new boyfriend. I didn't care she had a boyfriend but I really wanted her to still be in my life and for us to keep talking. But she had other plans, or her boyfriend advised her not to speak to me. Yes she and I had a past, but still. The way she treated me and just threw our friendship out will be hard to be forgiven if that situation ever presents itself. This was one of the things that made me really hate girls this year. So fuck her and that is that. I do not nearly have the patience I used to with girls-
Basically with this girl, I will be honest, it hurt me. She was someone relatively new in my life and we had a lot in common. I guess I got the feeling that she was going to be one of those people you can always just talk to or hang out with. She was a lot like me. Maybe she did not care or know how to handle our situation, but I did not get the feeling at all like she wanted to work things out.
There have been other situations with girls I have been involved with or with friends that have really angered me. And honestly I know most of the issues do start with me like I have stated over and over. But another situation that has really been on my mind lately is how much girls just want and need attention. For example there is this girl at work who I know well and I have tried to be a good friend to. It was just interesting to see when I was talking with a couple other girls she tried to come up and be all friendly with me and give me a hug in front of them. Obviously she was just trying to get attention in front of those other girls. It pissed me off. I seriously just looked at her like “What the fuck are you doing?” I have just noticed a lot of things recently related to how attention needy some of these young women are. I hate it.
So with all this attention stuff, I have honestly stopped talking to a lot of girls. (Since I wrote this things have changed somewhat) At work I avoid probably about 3-5 girls that I would normally talk to. I know it is easily noticeable and it probably makes me look foolish but I DO WHAT I WANT. I do NOT pretend to be nice to anyone and I do NOT pretend to respect anyone I DO NOT RESPECT. I “wear my heart on my sleeve.” I can be such an emotional person. Recently I have deleting girls’ numbers in my phone that I have had problems with only to add them again later. I cannot even tell you how many times I have done that this year. There was a situation with a deleted number that just came up just last night. Also I think I have been too generous to certain girls. I would always openly give them compliments on their appearance and not think twice about it. It was a friendly gesture in my opinion; I like to speak my mind. I can tell they enjoy my presence and want to talk to me but I just think I have been too kind where it has backfired. I feel I get taken advantage of. I just think that they think or expect me to do certain things for them and I do not want to feel that way anymore.
I admit I have been unfair and unreasonable in some situations. For example I have had a crush on this girl for a couple years but she has had a boyfriend. I know she has had feelings for me in the past but I get angry at her because she is with someone!!! I know that is unfair of me but it seriously makes me angry! She even kissed me even though she is currently with him. I just have unfair expectations. No joke. She has given me more than I deserve but I actually expect her to just be with me. It has gotten so bad that I have told her I just cannot talk to her anymore. Every time I talk to her I get angry cause I cannot be with her sexually. I just would rather push her away than be a good friend to her. Even worse is that I tell her not to talk to me but then I will randomly text her on my phone!!! I swear I probably send so many mixed messages to her and others. Also with this I justify myself, I say I know have a lot of feelings for her and it is normal for me to be hurt or angry. I think my feelings are valid, but I know I am being unfair to her. Well actually I do not even want a relationship with her. We are too different. But she is one of the most beautiful spirited people out there. All she has ever done is be kind to me and I have been such a fucking ass to her.
(I know I can contradict myself with certain situations)
III. Family Life
Okay with all of that women stuff out of the way, I can write about family life. I always wanted to be a great father. I have dreamed of having two little girls and teaching them the right way to live life. I wanted the pride of raising and teaching my own blood. I wanted to imprint my life onto them and share them with the world. I just wanted to have children and bring up them up in the making of what I think is best. I wanted a family. I still do want these things but I just cannot foresee it. I cannot imagine myself getting married and having kids and it hurts me. I do not believe I will have a “normal” family life. I think I will remain single. I just think that the love I desire in this world just does not exist or the love I want is actually toxic and unhealthy. Also, why would I want to bring children into this world? They way things are now in this world are sickening and it will only get worse. I would fear for them every day and the pain they would or could endure scares the fucking shit out of me. If I ever do meet my One & Only you can bet I will have kids.
Also, my views on marriage have somewhat changed. I do believe in marriage but I also take human nature into consideration. I conclude that marriage may not be the answer for me, as it is not the answer for many. I have always wanted that pure, loyal, devoted and interdependent relationship for forever. I would choose that path over any other. However the more I think about it; is marriage the best thing for me? I think marriage is life’s most difficult challenge besides the challenge of the self. How are you to spend the majority of your life with only one person? In some cases it works, but for most I think marriage is not the answer. How do two people remain as one through so many issues such as: social, sexual, financial, religion, and personal? That there consists of so many issues that would need to be discussed and worked through. I guess that is why it takes a lifetime for a marriage to work. However once again it is human nature to be impatient and to look for an easy way out: divorce. I also just believe that infidelity is so common because it is natural and expected. Humans are sexual beings. Period.
IV. Myself
Last, the lengthiest and most important. Myself.
Let me begin with something on the light side. Well I really like living at home and I know eventually I will move out but honestly I have no plans to for the next 3 ½ years until my car is paid off. So unless something drastically changes I am staying put. I love my parents, I love the environment. I also enjoy helping out my father financially and I just like being home. I get homesick when I am away from here. Also it gives me time to connect more with my family.
I honestly feel I am very immature or am never fully going to grow into an adult. I guess all adults have a childish side to them. I just cannot see me getting to be like my parents. I think I will always act like a child. I always like screwing around and playing little games. Also, I have always been someone who is attached to the past. I missed high school so much when it was over where I would have dreams where I went back to high school. I loved high school, I am sure most people did. But seriously I have always been someone who gets attached and never wants to let go. I think that is a reason why I enjoy music so much because it brings me back to those times.
Also soon I should be switching to work during the days. I am tired of my fellow employees at night and I need a change. I have been working at night for over 5 years and I have applied for other jobs and am currently waiting to see what happens.
Unfortunately after I got home from my road trip I have only been going to my math class, which I am close to failing. I really feel terrible about my academics. I am already behind most people. I am not dropping out of school entirely. I do enjoy school but I have been struggling. It is hard for me to be totally devoted to it with work, basketball, running, laziness and sleep. We will see what happens.
Sexual Preference - Now onto something that has recently somewhat bothered me. Yes I know I can be very girly and I seriously have so many girly things in my room. Most of the music I enjoy is mostly listened to and performed by women. In my defense I usually say that I would rather listen to a woman sing about love than the loud annoying voice of a man. The female voice is the most beautiful thing in the world. I wear a purple earring because I am obsessed with the color purple. I have been made fun of for that but it does not really get to me. And oh yeah I have longer hair. It is not my fault I can pull off having longer hair while most guys cannot! They all have their hair short and cut. Yeah a lot of girls like a clean cut guy but fuck that… who cares. I have my own style. I have a super girly bed too. And honestly I cannot decide if I would rather have been born a boy or girl. I know if I born was a girl I would be wearing dresses every day. I would have the craziest hair. Girls have so many cool styles and things they can wear. But seriously it bugs the shit out of me when my manager has called me a “little girl” and my good friend always calls me female names. It makes me really angry. Seriously it pisses me off. I get angry at him. And even some people at work think I am gay and they joke about it to me. I hate having to defend myself to others about this. I am not gay. Ha-ha.
Honestly I do kind of consider myself mixture of the female and male sexes. I like to believe that I have the best characteristics of both. I have the sensitivity and the heart of a female but the drive, self motivation and toughness of a male. The term is called “Two-Spirited,” I suggest you look it up.
But let’s go through some of those awesome “man-ly” qualities I possess!
-I can be very conceited. I am a show off.
-I check out girls daily. I watch porn too frequently.
-I am obsessed with sports. I also obsess with super heroes.
-I go to the gym and lift weights to try to look hot. It doesn’t work lol
-Many more faulty qualities of the male I possess. Trust me.
Attempting to defend myself there to show you that I am straight was just a joke but honestly I feel I actually need to stick up for myself with this situation.
“I give myself to anyone who wants to take me home.”
The biggest change within me this past year honestly has been my relationship with sex and women. No I have not slept around with everyone. I just have looked for sex more than I ever have. It is like anyone can have me if they want me. It is my addiction and weakness. I have been very disappointed with myself this year. I made two major mistakes that I would take back if I could. One was recently and the other was earlier in the year. However, I am thankful because they were both good learning experiences. I learned more about myself and what my weaknesses are. I am more aware. I guess I lowered my standards for myself and honestly if my friends knew some of the things I have done, it would be flat out embarrassing. Not to play this off, but everyone does have their own weaknesses and this is mine. I am ashamed but now that I am writing about it I feel strong about it and confident that things will improve. Seriously I think sex is way too important for me wrong ways. I think it has to do with attachment and abandonment issues. I hate sex but love and desire it at the same time. I am confused.
Expectations – For the last year or so I have tried to be perfect. I have failed obviously but I just have realized I have not been able to change certain things. I just always wanted to be perfectly nice to everyone but I cannot. It angers me but I have just realized that this goal is unreachable. I am just not that type of person. I cannot pretend to be kind to everyone.
Friends – This is something quite recent. I just want to state here that I have very few good friends and that I can agree with and relate to. My personal and political views differ greatly than those of my friends. I truly cannot see a future with some of them. I honestly plan to attempt to find new friends and leave those of old behind. I already do not speak with some of them or see them frequently but still do remain in touch. I do not see a reason to remain around friends that I do not agree with or can relate to. I think it will be tough to find new friends but I have done well on my own for a while now.
Issues – I have already completed every other section of this writing and this section right now is going to be the toughest to complete. I have huge issues and complaints with conservative Christians. I have two very close people to me that are gay. I would support them no matter what for their rights as human beings. I disagree with the large donations given from churches in favor of prop 8. It makes me very angry.
Below are some statements I have seen on either side of same sex marriage rights.
“God Hates Fags”
“I didn’t vote on your marriage”
“No On 8, Yes on Equality”
I guess I grew up in a Christian upbringing and I always believed that Christians loved others and believe in equal rights for everyone. I am currently discovering the opposite and it is disappointing and makes me angry. I no longer can call myself a Christian. Whoever preaches and follows a congregation who is in favor of taking rights away from people is something I will not ever take part in. Fuck them. God loves everyone equal and wants everyone to have the same rights. And if he does not, well then he is not God. And not a God I entrust. (Random: Also I wish God was a beautiful woman, instead of a man). I think most gays do not choose to be gay, they just are. No matter what gay people deserve the same rights we all currently have.
Preaching in favor of prop 8 is on the same level as racism. First you are teaching your kids to not have tolerance for gays, this will directly result the unfair treatment and views of gays. I do not and will not ever teach my children to discriminate against others in any way. Until further notice I will not go to church for any reason. Also, if I need to read God’s word, I will read the bible. I do not want a man’s interpretation of God’s word. Also I heard that same sex marriage was NOT banned in the new testament in the bible, however I have yet to research.
-I also have major issues with people who drive large trucks. I hate them. They waste energy and always take up two parking spots at my work where there is very limited parking. You are lucky gas prices are going down you fucking idiots. I am happy the auto industry is failing because of the types of cars being made and driven in this country. Typical American way of life. Every time I see a big truck I get angry lol.
-Also, do not ever go to Jiffy Lube. They rip you off and in some cases break your cars. Just see jiffylubeproblems.com. So fuck anyone and everyone who works there for ripping me off. Thx.
Finale. Folklore. Fantasy. ~Self analysis – (Experimental & in the third person). His heart bleeds of loyalty and devotion for those he loves. He is hardheaded and relentless, however soft and fragile. He will always have that chip on his shoulder from his experiences through childhood. For when he grew up without his mother, he told himself, “You are the world, you deserve the World.” When he did not have her voice there to comfort him, he made one of his own. He is worth more than what he was treated. He has no weakness. His purpose outweighs yours. He is smarter than you. He has been through the pain. Pain is his power. Conceited? Confident? Whatever. Those are his reasons why HE IS HIM. It has its negatives and positives. He knows, either way. That is why he is like this. There are few people that have his train of thought. Mentally tough or mentally ill? You decide. No friend or foe will ever break him. Every time he is hurt he comes back twice as strong as if he enjoyed the pain. He endures ALL THINGS. There are few people with his heart. HE KNOWS THIS. He takes all things as a story in a book or a scene in a movie. His mind paints the emotion and his heart adds the sound. When he closes his eyes he knows that feeling. It is the feeling that he cannot explain with words… it is only felt in the heart.
V. In Your Honor
In conclusion I would like to thank everyone who made me possible. Below is a list of the many people who throughout my life have had a positive lasting impact on me. Honestly I just try to emulate the good traits I see in others. The time I have shared with them has allowed me to experience the good in this world. I could easily write pages of the things I have learned from them. And I am sure if you knew everyone in this list, you would be able to see their characteristics through me. I just want to thank you all for help making me the person I am today.
*
Aguilar, Ruben
Beard, John
Buchanan, Christen
Buchanan, Kasmira
Caron, Denis
Cohen, Rachel
Davis, Mark
DeAlejandro, Allison
Garcia, Angelica
Garcia, Mitchell
Grace, Kaleb
Hahn, Serra
Hester, Kelly
Hardy, Jennifer
Rojas, Thomas
Rojas, Chris
Kleinsmith, Lauren
Lively, Kelly
Lomeli, Elizabeth
Martinez, Steven
Martinez, Benny
Martinez, Gail
Martinez, Steven
Marx, Jimmy
McKinney, Alex
McKinney, Chelsea
McKinney, Erin
McKinney, Brian
McKinney, Michael
Narvaez, Andrea
Ortiz, Brandon
Osiadacz, Emily
Patterson, Erin
Tayan, Staysee
Thomas, Shanna
Torrence, Chris
+
Kobe Bryant
Dwight from “The Office”
Batman
Michael Myers
And anyone else I may have forgotten.
*
I LOVE how in Batman does not get the girl in the end, it brought a smile to my face. It is perfect actually.
http://www.zshare.net/audio/5205721158b93d69/ |
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